Dear Liza – Short Fiction

From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza******le@L******.com

Subject: Faulty goods

Date: Mon, 23 Dec 2013 09:30am

Dear Mz Liza,

                    After some considerable time spent research on the _Liza’s_antiques_market__ website and spending 20 minutes playing the “Waiting on hold and being moved to different departments” game I have been given YOUR _inser_name__ as the person who deals with complaints.

I wish to complain about the _late_1900’s_Anitque_brass_fire_bucket__ which I purchased from YOUR COMPANYS website _5_days__ ago (19th of november) Now while i was very pleased and happy with the fast delivery of the bucket I have found a small hole in the bottom. Sadly dear Liza I found this hole in my bucket to late (id filled it with water) and it leaked all over my new carpet.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible to resolve this problem and If I do not hear from you within 5 working days!1 I will file complaints with the propriate consumer agenceys AND legal action.

 

Warm regards

Henry

                                                                                                                                                                        Sample Complaint Template

 


 

From: Liza******le@L*****t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

Subject: I RE: Faulty goods

Date: Mon, 23 Dec 2013 12:30pm

Dear Henry,

                Firstly I’d like to say thank you for highlighting this matter of great importance to myself via your complaint template so eloquently. Secondly as you must know from spending so much time on my companies small and easy to navigate website. The about us page actually tells you the company is solely run by myself and a contact number to the store is given. Unfortunately I have not received a call from yourself today so it may be possible that you have the wrong phone number?

I have just checked the description of the 1900’s Antique Brass fire bucket and see you have omitted the (has hole) from the headline we sold it under. This is completely understandable as it only mentions it once in the headline and then goes on to only mention it two more times in the description of the product (which also says it will need a small amount of time spent on repairing it).

Have you considered repairing it yourself?

Regards

Liza


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza******le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

Subject: Hid RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2013 02:50am

 

Dear Liza,

               R U SERIOUS!!!? Bar from the FACT i live in a converted barn ON A FARM, “dear Liza” what would i even mend it with!? THIS IS An EfFING JOKE!! i was expecting an apology and a REFUND! NOT THIS BOLLOKX!

 

WHAT R U GOING TO DO ABOUT MENDING MY BUCKET!!!?

 

NOT EVEN CLOSE TO “WARM” REGARDS

Henry

p>s you may have noticed I have cc’d in my cousin in law WHO IS TRAINING TO BE A SOLICITOR BY THE WAY please get this fixed ASAP!


From: Liza******le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

Subject: An RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 11:30am

Dear Henry,

                    I must say after walking into my office and reading this delightful email, (which seems to have been sent at 2:50am this morning) my emotions very quickly ranged from shock to annoyance all the way over to the other side of the spectrum, mild amusement. Which may I add, is where I am now (luckily for you).

In answer to your well written and exquisitely thought out question WHAT R U GOING TO DO ABOUT MENDING MY BUCKET!!!? 

May I suggest “Dear Henry” that since you live on a farm, you fill the hole with some of the same straw you’ve used to fill your head with.

May I also suggest that if you are indeed going to attempt to threaten me with legal action, that it isn’t with a trainee solicitor, especially a trainee solicitor whose email is Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com. It doesn’t really give off the impression that I’d be faced with any real difficulties if legally required to defend myself (regardless of how much he loves coitus).

I hope this email finds you well and that the advice is useful.

Regards

Liza


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To:Liza******le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

Subject: Laz RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 13:22:30

 

“Dear” Liza,

                 OMG I AM ACTUALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD! YOU MUST BE STUIPD! As if you could mend a bucket with straw IT WOULD BE TO LONG! HAHAHA OMG WHAT AN IDIOT LOL!

and for the record i wasn’t even threatening you wiv nothing! BUT  If you don’t give me a FULL REFUND! or REPAIR MY DAMNED BUCKET I WILL!

 

I bet your some kind of atheist!

 

Henry


From: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Liza******le@L*******t.com

Subject: y RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 13:27

 

Henry,

         Dude please stop cc’ing me into this I’ve never studied or intend to study any kind of law in my life.

 

Geoff

 


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

CC: Liza******le@L*******t.com

Subject: eas RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 13:31:11

 

WHAT!? last week when watching TV u said that thing wouldnt work because it was against the law?!

Henry


From: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Liza******le@L*******t.com

Subject: ter RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 13:37

 

H…

Dude…

We were watching Star Trek. I said it was against the laws of physics. As in, not possible with science.

 

NOT LAW!  SCIENCE!

Geoff


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

CC: Liza******le@L*******t.com

Subject: egg RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 13:40:40

 

crap!

 

Wot am i gonna do bout this store chick that wont gimmie my money back for sellin me the bucket? U gotta pretend ur a lawyer 4 me with your science law bro.

Henry


From: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Liza******le@L*******t.com

Subject: her RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 13:42

 

You’ve been cc’ing her in the entire time.

Not for the first time I am ashamed I’m related to you…

Geoff

 


From: Liza******le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f##k.com

Subject: e RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 15:30pm

Dear Henry (and Geoff),                                       

                                  Thank you again. You have made a very busy and stressful time of year that little bit more bearable. I really don’t think I have laughed this much from reading an email chain in a very long time.

In response to the email you sent me before Geoff inadvertently came to my rescue (thank you for that by the way Geoff), if the only barrier for a bucket made of brass not being mended by straw is because the straw is too long, I feel I must point out something you may have not necessarily given due thought to.

Dear Henry. Have you maybe considered let’s say, cutting the straw shorter? I know it’s a strange and scary concept but you can trust me since I’m such an atheist.

 

Regards and hope you enjoy the holidays.

Liza


From: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Liza******le@L*******t.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 14:40

 

You’re welcome Liza. Can both of you please remove me from this email conversation now…

P.S. Merry Christmas


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

CC: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 15:07:44

 

Sorry about that cuz.. And Liza Y dont u just go get f**kd with the crap advice!? Cut the straw? “dear Liza” wot would i even cut it with?

Give me my REFUND! No regards wot so ever!

Henry


From: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 15:20pm

 

Dear Henry,

                 I’m going to ignore your first question because I don’t think you really mean it. I’m sure deep down you are a nice, sweet and kind person. As for the other two dear Henry; yes cut the straw, maybe try a knife?

 

Regards

 

Liza


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 15:30:18

 

“DEAR” Liza,

                    even if I was gonna take ur crap advice the only knife i have is 2 dull, u get that dear Liza? 2 dull! Retard suggestion.

 

#W.H.E.R.E  I.S  M.Y  R.E.F.U.N.D?

 

HENry


From: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 15:45pm

 

Dear Henry,

                   The shop is closing now and will be reopening on December the 26th. I’m not entirely sure if you just want advice on repairing the bucket or an actual refund as we will not refund you if you have tampered with the item. So I think the best option at this point would be to wish you happy holidays and to try sharpening the knife.

Regards

 

Liza

 

P.S I saw that you had Cc’d your cousin Geoff back into the conversation. It might be an idea not to do that anymore since he asked so nicely.


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:02:13

 

What am I even going to sharpen it with huh? Well!?

 

Where!

Is!

my!

Refund!?

 

Henry

 


From: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

Subject: RE: Faulty goods: Out of Office (Automated reply)

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:02

 

Thank you for e-mailing Liza’s Antiques Market.

 

We are currently closed for the holidays and will be reopening from 10:30am to 13:30pm on December the 26th.

We will be back to our usual opening hours (09:30am-17:30pm) from the December the 27th onwards.

 

Hoping you have a brilliant Holidays and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

 

Best regards

Liza


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:08:56

 

Why are u just telling me the same thing twice!?

Answer my question!!

Henry


From: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods: Out of Office (Automated reply)

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:08

 

Thank you for e-mailing Liza’s Antiques Market.

 

We are currently closed for the holidays and will be reopening from 10:30am to 13:30pm on December the 26th.

We will be back to our usual opening hours (09:30am-17:30pm) from the December the 27th onwards.

 

Hoping you have a brilliant Holidays and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

 

Best regards

 

Liza

 


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:12:25

 

Stop saying that!

 

Henry


From: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods: Out of Office (Automated reply)

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:12

 

Thank you for e-mailing Liza’s Antiques Market.

 

We are currently closed for the holidays and will be reopening from 10:30am to 13:30pm on December the 26th.

We will be back to our usual opening hours (09:30am-17:30pm) from the December the 27th onwards.

 

Hoping you have a brilliant Holidays and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

 

Best regards

Liza


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:15:05

 

I know u are there or u wouldn’t keep replying with that same copy and paste RUBBISH!

ANSWER MY QUESTION!!

 

Henry

 


From: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods: Out of Office (Automated reply)

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:15

 

Thank you for e-mailing Liza’s Antiques Market.

 

We are currently closed for the holidays and will be reopening from 10:30am to 13:30pm on December the 26th.

We will be back to our usual opening hours (09:30am-17:30pm) from the December the 27th onwards.

 

Hoping you have a brilliant Holidays and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

 

Best regards

Liza


From: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

To: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:17:22

 

WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A TOOL!?

 

YOU KNOW WHAT

 

F**K THE REFUND!

 

AND F**K YOUR F**KING BUCKET!


From: Liza%$^&£!le@L*******t.com

To: Handsomme_Henry@h******.co.**

CC: Coituslover69@geoffluvs2f**k.com

Subject: RE: Faulty goods: Out of Office (Automated reply)

Date: Tue, 24 Dec 2013 16:17pm

 

Thank you for e-mailing Liza’s Antiques Market.

 

We are currently closed for the holidays and will be reopening from 10:30am to 13:30pm on December the 26th.

We will be back to our usual opening hours (09:30am-17:30pm) from the December the 27th onwards.

 

Hoping you have a brilliant Holidays and look forward to hearing from you in the future.

 

Best regards

Liza

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